I look at this photo...

This photo… so much to unpack here. To the average person, it may look like just a random four year old holding a football, but as the photo captures a thousand words, the other thousand lies behind the camera. From my perspective, being this child, I look at this photo and see a four year old with grown out bangs that were done by a hairdresser that has been cutting my hair since birth.

I look at this photo and see jeans; the type of pants that I refused to wear anytime they were in my vicinity; the type of pants that I now sell to other people for a living; the type of pants that I have learned to appreciate and not have an ingrained abhorrence toward.

I look at this photo and see vast fields–frozen-over, but melting as hundreds of people walk over the stuck-together blades of grass trying to reach the next party with their friends– within the Michigan State campus. 

I look at this photo and see the happy moments before the disaster. The disaster that haunts me and I relive every time I glance at this photo. The moment- minutes after this photo- when I catch this ball with my face. Eyes went wide as realization sets in: this football was rushing toward my face. My hands stop functioning. Blood running down my nose. I am in utter shock. Four year old me runs over to my parents, tears forming in my eyes.

I look at this photo and see my face forming a look of effortless joy – a genuine smile, the crinkle under my eyes that gives away that I am not cloaking my emotions. Every raw emotion that I felt is shown on my face. Reliving the memory- crying to my parents and knowing I did not cover my emotions then either- four year old me was as open as a book. 

I look at this photo and see the tip of my nose hinting at the pink color that is only associated with autumn in Michigan (if the leaves did initiate that inference). The word “cold” was not even in the recesses of my brain. I ran around and around passing this football and catching it; I ran around and around stealing chips from the food table even though my mom told me to stop; I ran around and around until the only word I had in my brain was “hot.” Of course this all went away when I was told I had to sit still for a football game in the cold and the pink color returned back as the temperature and excitement simmered down.