The Escalator of Abuse

Where is the breaking point in toxic relationships?

The simple answer: an exact point does not exist for every scenario; however, there are some pivotal breaking points that seem to be a trend among toxic relationships that depend on if it is a short-term or long-term relationship. 

The complex answer: When people are involved in a relationship that is sadistic, abusive, and toxic they tend to stay with each other because there is a sense of safety that is associated with having an established relationship. However, there comes a point when the rose-colored glasses shatter and there is a realization that something has to change in this relationship. This can take many different forms depending on the person— one way may be the continuous lack of change within an abuser, another may be a physical barrier being broken. 

To further explore this point, I will discuss it through the lens of the pieces we have read in class. In Where the Crawdads Sing by Delia Owens, Kya continues to stay with her abusive father even though she is aware that fathers should not hit their wives or daughters. The societal expectation to have a happy family (one with at least one child and one parent) outweighed Kya’s motivation to find a safe haven with Jumpin’ and Mabel.

The only example Kya had was her mother, who left her entire family behind after enduring years of abuse. In her place, she leaves behind several questions: why did it take so long to leave? Why leave without her children? Kya’s mother experiences guilt and disappointment at the daunting thought of leaving an established bond between loved ones. Society dictates that once you are married, you have to do everything you can to stay married. More often than not, it means that the women put on a fake smile to stay with their husband and appear as though they are ‘fine,’ even though we all know everything is not ‘fine.’ Similarly, when someone who is being abused wants a divorce, they would feel as though they would be ridiculed, weak, or lacking compassion for the other person. 

When do the abusive tendencies outweigh the societal pressures? An obvious first response may be a physical barrier was broken, as seen in “The Answer is No” when the young girl is raped by an older math tutor. Since she was not pre-exposed to this level of abuse (thankfully), she recognized that this was not right and began to break the relationship apart. The physical privacy breach was a sign for the young girl to press her own emergency button. This button, as seen on many escalators, is used when there is impending danger. It also helps to bring awareness and reflect on what is happening. In contrast, Kya’s mom was accustomed to physical harm, and similar beatings would not push her over the edge to escape. 

To me, I was shocked that someone who is being physically abused chooses to stay, although I also have trouble using the word ‘chooses,’ because I think of this scenario as when a child cups their hand against the ground in order to bait an ant. The ant does not know the difference between the ground and the hand because they will continue going the same path as per their usual livelihood. Putting this in context, an abuser may bait a victim by perpetually harming them in such a way that the victim cannot tell the difference between a bruise and a compliment. 

For lifelong abuse, a physical obstacle may not be a breaking point, but I believe that another way may be a build up of never-changing actions, or as I like to call it, the abrupt stop of an escalator. While the young girl was off of the escalator and pressed her own emergency button, the lifelong abused may rely on other people pressing the button, as they are already on the escalator.  

Once that button is pressed, everything stops.

As the victim is now aware of the possible danger in staying in this relationship, panic ensues. This should be moving. My relationship should last. I don’t know anything different. How do I escape?

When they blind themselves to the fact that an escalator is just motorized stairs, they ignore solutions to their current situation (please watch this obscure video that my family references all the time to understand my thought process).

Video

Thomas Foster illustrated this literary blindness in How to Read Lit like a Professor. Characters oftentimes blind themselves either physically or metaphorically to the truth. In a way, it has a soothing

“out of sight out of mind” aspect to it. It is easier to ignore it, then face it. This is evident in Crying in H-Mart, although this was not an abusive relationship so much as a frayed bond between mother and daughter, the mother put on sunglasses in one scene to negate the fact that her daughter wants to be a musician. This blindness leads into a continuous cycle of monotony. For abusive relationships, the victim is more keen to blind themselves to the fact that they should not be treated this way. An abuser, or sometimes a literary vampire, takes that want for blissful ignorance and utilizes it to gaslight the victim into staying with them.

The button is pressed, but then the sunglasses are put back on to blind the victim to the conflict that just occurred. The escalator turns on. The manipulated comatose steers them to think: “They won’t do that again. They love me.” Steps rotating. “I’m sorry, it was my fault.” Back into the swing of things. 

The glasses shatter as the film on the button wears down to its bare form. Now, it’s just stairs. They can finally walk down out of their own free will. How many times has a hand reached out to press the button? It depends on how adamant the person was to keep the glasses on. 

That was a lot to go over, so please take this moment to enjoy Edward Cullen, our iconic literary and physical vampire blinding himself to the fact that his family is going to be upset with him for driving Bella to school. When I first watched it, I didn’t think that it was weird for him to be wearing sunglasses in Fork, Washington, where it is always cloudy, but now I understand the literary aspect of his willful blindness. Thanks English class. 

Edward Cullen with sunglasses on